The Difficulty of, and how to cope with eye contact

Just yesterday I was talking to a lady pastor ... and I was sharing with her about reading social situations and how I found it difficult. When I first walked into her office, I didn't really have it together about how I wanted to approach the topic of conversation - in short I was just plain nervous, so I avoided eye contact with her, and looked out her window while I explained to her what I wanted to see her about.

It was a highly personal topic, so it upped the ante for my nervousness and anxiety. But I found her encouraging, and gentle and I eased into my conversation with her, eventually relaxing enough to make eye contact with her.

One of the things I really really really detest is when a person with Aspergers, either an adult or a child is in a situation where he or she is very nervous, uncomfortable or the environment is overloading his or her sensory system, and the typically developed person says to the individual on the spectrum "LOOK at me while I am speaking to you!!!"

My son was in a situation with the deputy principal of his school, and we were trying to sort out who did what in a very precarious thing, where some other typically developing child had drawn a rather vulgar picture, and wrote on it that my son had drawn it - so we were playing detective. I had been called in by the deputy to try to discuss this rather delicate situation, and when I saw the drawing - I did not recognise the handwriting - it clearly was not my son's handwriting, so we waltzed around from the deputy principal's office, to the special education unit with the Head of Special Education there, and I ended up very distressed, that some other kid had again set my child up as the bad guy. Anyway, the situation got sorted out.

The deputy principal was trying to get out of my son if he had in fact done the drawing, and my son was adamant that he had not done it. Often though - and it is understandable - that one of the body language cues that somebody is being untruthful is that they will not make eye contact with a person.

However!!! And this is a big however - when a person on the Autistic spectrum is in a situation that is even slightly precarious, or they are feeling even slightly uncomfortable - please don't expect eye contact!!! Especially don't demand eye contact - that will just make a person with Autism/Aspergers even less likely to be able to verbalise anything to you.


And now - for those on the spectrum *a little hint that I have picked up along the way* when you are in a situation where somebody wants to obtain eye contact with you - for example - in a job interview; you are probably more likely motivated to make eye contact with that person. It would still be very difficult though - so a socially acceptable habit I have picked up in my various discussions and experiences is that you can look just above a person's eyes, and that may get you through a certain number of different scenarios.


In contexts that are a little more confrontational, or of the nefarious kind (like being called to the principal's office) if you are able - explain to the person that you have difficulty making eye contact, and that you are in fact listening to the person, but that you cannot process what they are saying while you are observing their facial features, because we can't multiprocess sensory input. 


If that is also too stressful, and the context is very anxiety ridden - and I have been in situations like that - enlist the support of an advocate - being a trusted friend, relative, or reputable advocate from a community legal and advocacy centre. You can explain the situation to the advocate, and then they can speak on your behalf.


*hey even Moses had Aaron as his advocate and encourager when he went and approached the pharoah* =)


if you have any tips for making "eye contact" less stressful - please feel free to share these!!!

Engaging with a Service Provider

Engagement - what is it? It is when a person who uses a service chooses at some level to work or not to work in an effective partnership with a person or organisation who provides him or her a service. In the context of a person on the Autistic Spectrum - this may be a disability support organisation - such as a specialist job search agency, a psychologist, or a direct support and lifestyle support agency. It can be a little intimidating approaching a service agency when you don't feel that you have been treated fairly. Usually its ok to compliment a service provider on a job well done, but if you are feeling that things haven't really gone too flash, then you may need to equip yourself with some helpful tools.
Firstly, I would recommend scouring on the internet, or the old phone book for an advocacy service. Or, get a trusted friend or relative who communicates competently, and really listens and understands, and knows you well.
Together you can approach the situation constructively. Firstly - take some time to really think about the outcomes that you want from approaching your service provider. Start from where you have been wronged, and work out options that you may like to ponder - that you can present to the service provider as options for them to be able to work with you to correct or make amends in your service provision.
So make sure you take the time to thoroughly think about this - impulsivity is not recommended when going to approach a service provider.
You will need to schedule a time with the management person, or complaints department - if you wish to approach them personally. In a situation where I was not happy with the decision made by my service provider, I wrote a letter to the complaints department. I showed it to my spouse, and he took the time to go through it with me.
Be polite always!! Don't attack persons, separate the who of the person, from what has been done. Personal attacks will always make the other person unwilling to listen to you.
By making an appointment time to go and see the person, or by sending a letter, you are ensuring for yourself that the person will have the time to properly consider your position. If you call during a really busy time - for example when the pay department and admin department are trying to finish processing time cards, or the manager is with another person, you will only be given the option of "we will have to call you back later." Often I have found that the person is so snowed under that they never have the opportunity of calling you back anytime soon. So, I would either call, or if you feel unable to speak to the person, send an email requesting an appointment time, and suggest the times that you are available. Build some flexibility into your appointment time request.
When you do have your appointment, I do recommend taking an advocate so that you can remain calm while your advocate speaks on your behalf. I have done this in situations where I have been extremely stressed out and my husband has come along and he knows what I want to communicate, and has been able to remain calm and explain to the service provider what I wanted as an outcome.
At all times be polite, even if it is extremely difficult. Don't ever use personal attacks. The service provider has to remain calm and objective, and if all parties can leave emotions out of it, while working on outcomes, then a successful compromise is easier to obtain.
Allow the service provider to consider your complaint, and your goals for the meeting. More than likely you will be able to come to an agreed outcome when you are both working towards a common goal where the outcome is that you get the best possible service from the service agency.