Just yesterday I was talking to a lady pastor ... and I was sharing with her about reading social situations and how I found it difficult. When I first walked into her office, I didn't really have it together about how I wanted to approach the topic of conversation - in short I was just plain nervous, so I avoided eye contact with her, and looked out her window while I explained to her what I wanted to see her about.
It was a highly personal topic, so it upped the ante for my nervousness and anxiety. But I found her encouraging, and gentle and I eased into my conversation with her, eventually relaxing enough to make eye contact with her.
One of the things I really really really detest is when a person with Aspergers, either an adult or a child is in a situation where he or she is very nervous, uncomfortable or the environment is overloading his or her sensory system, and the typically developed person says to the individual on the spectrum "LOOK at me while I am speaking to you!!!"
My son was in a situation with the deputy principal of his school, and we were trying to sort out who did what in a very precarious thing, where some other typically developing child had drawn a rather vulgar picture, and wrote on it that my son had drawn it - so we were playing detective. I had been called in by the deputy to try to discuss this rather delicate situation, and when I saw the drawing - I did not recognise the handwriting - it clearly was not my son's handwriting, so we waltzed around from the deputy principal's office, to the special education unit with the Head of Special Education there, and I ended up very distressed, that some other kid had again set my child up as the bad guy. Anyway, the situation got sorted out.
The deputy principal was trying to get out of my son if he had in fact done the drawing, and my son was adamant that he had not done it. Often though - and it is understandable - that one of the body language cues that somebody is being untruthful is that they will not make eye contact with a person.
However!!! And this is a big however - when a person on the Autistic spectrum is in a situation that is even slightly precarious, or they are feeling even slightly uncomfortable - please don't expect eye contact!!! Especially don't demand eye contact - that will just make a person with Autism/Aspergers even less likely to be able to verbalise anything to you.
And now - for those on the spectrum *a little hint that I have picked up along the way* when you are in a situation where somebody wants to obtain eye contact with you - for example - in a job interview; you are probably more likely motivated to make eye contact with that person. It would still be very difficult though - so a socially acceptable habit I have picked up in my various discussions and experiences is that you can look just above a person's eyes, and that may get you through a certain number of different scenarios.
In contexts that are a little more confrontational, or of the nefarious kind (like being called to the principal's office) if you are able - explain to the person that you have difficulty making eye contact, and that you are in fact listening to the person, but that you cannot process what they are saying while you are observing their facial features, because we can't multiprocess sensory input.
If that is also too stressful, and the context is very anxiety ridden - and I have been in situations like that - enlist the support of an advocate - being a trusted friend, relative, or reputable advocate from a community legal and advocacy centre. You can explain the situation to the advocate, and then they can speak on your behalf.
*hey even Moses had Aaron as his advocate and encourager when he went and approached the pharoah* =)
if you have any tips for making "eye contact" less stressful - please feel free to share these!!!
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