Healthy Relationship Boundaries

One of the things I have been really working on a lot lately is boundaries. My mental health nurse has explained to me that our lives are like onions (LOL like Shrek telling Donkey that 'onions have layers'). It is true though - I need to keep the inner layers of my "onion" in perspective - in that I have to make sure that I look after myself primarily: spiritually, physically, mentally. This in essence is done so that all the layers of my "onion" stay healthy, and in their right spot. In the middle of the onion is myself - that is the core of my life. If it is rotten, and I don't take care of myself, then all of the other layers will eventually become yuck and rotten.
My husband and my kids are the next layer from myself. I need to take care of myself first, and then my relationships with them. This includes being a positive, healthy companion for my husband, and a caring and healthy mother who sets good boundaries for her kids.
Outside of those layers is my work, and my friends, and then my acquaintances.
For a long time I had been prone to bringing people who were in an unhealthy state of mind into my inner layers, and they really didn't belong there. I developed codependent relationships with my father, and with my stepmother, and with some friends along the road of life, because I had been the daughter of a man who was devastated by trauma and used alcohol to soothe his grief.
I have been working really hard lately, with my psychologist, and in my own private studies in developing appropriate and healthy relationship boundaries. One of the books I recommend is the book Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to Say No - To take Control of your life, by Doctors Henry Cloud, and John Townsend. I also recommend Joyce Meyer's CD series titled Freedom from Codependency. There are also many other great resources on developing healthy relationship boundaries, and also on releasing yourself from codependency. Freedom from Co-Dependency (Joyce Meyer) . When you come to developing healthy relationship boundaries though, one thing you will need to do is to practice putting these boundaries into place. In one particular relationship that I had with a lady, I would often feel obligated to help her. I had to withdraw from contact from her for a while, in order to sort out where and when I would be willing to assist her, and when to say no, and how to do it gracefully. It takes a little practice - my psychologist was wonderful in helping me to understand the importance of healthy boundaries, and how to implement these. One thing as a Christian was that I felt that I had to "help" people do whatever they asked me to do. This in fact is incorrect. My psychologist shared with me that my perspective was wrong - and that by helping people to do what they are able to do for themselves, I am not really loving that person, but enabling them to exist in a codependent relationship with myself. So I made myself up some guidelines - when somebody is genuinely not able to help themselves in a particular situation, and I have the time to have considered whether the request will be at odds with my health, or my ability to look after my relationships with my spouse and children, and I have prayerfully considered it, then I don't really have an issue with saying yes. It can be a bit tricky though. Sometimes I will contact somebody and say yes I can do "x" and then they might add extra to that request - in that case, I strongly recommend that you say that you will get back to them, and that you need time to consider their request. In the last couple of weeks, I had a request to make a bird cage cover. I considered it, and told the lady that I would make it for her, for her birthday. It was a project which required some money and time, but because I put it into the category of a gift, I was happy to do that for her. I also had a barbecue for another friend. We discussed having her stay the night as she lives out of town, but it didn't suit our situation, so we agreed to have it the next day. Another relative of mine had a car breakdown. She had nobody else at that time to assist her, so it was not a problem for me to do that - I felt comfortable in doing that. With the same person, I have been able to also say no, when I believed that it was not in either of our best interests.
Before you agree to doing something for somebody - take time to ponder it. Is it going to affect the ability you have to care for yourself, or your core relationships (partner and immediate family ie children); is it a genuine case where the person cannot do that for themselves? Have you got the available resources? Are you happy to help in that situation? *One thing I strongly recommend is that if you feel obligated (!!!) run a mile away from it - because it is probably your instinct telling you that you ought to say no!!! And if you really want to say no, but you hear yourself saying yes - don't do it!!! Also - a little tip for that "urgent" telephone call - tell the person you will get back to them in a few minutes (unless of course it is a dangerous or life threatening situation) and take the time to consider the request in the quiet and peace of your mind. Of course, if you do have codependent or social anxiety issues, or trouble with your relationships, I recommend consulting a reputable counsellor. *Cheers*