While a parent is going through the motions of trying to understand why his or her child is the way that he or she is, there is a flurry of emotions ... like a rollercoaster at times. Regret, guilt, anger, depression, grief - mostly negative. Memories of holding your perfectly formed newborn child get hazier by the day while you are running backwards and forwards between therapy appointments, early childhood developmental specialists and clinics, dieticians, early intervention kindergarten, primary care physician appointments ...
The normal day to day issues of parenting are a huge challenge in and of themselves - let alone when you add the diagnosis of a special needs child to the mix.
I spent days in tears, staring out the window, and driving around roundabouts in circles - literally - while crying that I wanted there to be nothing wrong with my beautiful, wonderful son.
On top of that, my youngest son was undergoing testing for medical problems related to his kidneys, for which he had been hospitalised for.
I remember feeling like a complete idiot when going to the early education kindergarten sometimes - the teachers would rouse at me for sending a sandwich that my son didn't like - and sending it in plastic wrap (no wonder I refuse to use the stuff now, I detest it that much). Apparently a cold cut sandwich with some salad on it was an inferior choice.
I was reading all kinds of books on how to feed my toddler and baby healthy food - but apparently my son had kicked up such a stink that they didn't want me to send a salad sandwich.
I got into trouble for not cutting his nails often enough (do you think I could get near him to cut them!!!) and even getting my son's hair washed was a nightmare. Toilet training was yet another huge hurdle to deal with.
Although the teachers are well meaning, and cared very much about their small students, I don't think that unless you spend 24 hours, seven days a week, trying to manage a toddler and a baby (and my own disability as it turned out to be diagnosed a lot later) who were exhibiting developmental delays and strange and challenging behaviours, that you really truly understand how much of a struggle it is.
The biggest mistake I made was to think that I could do it all - alone. I tried my hardest to be a super- mother. I tried going back to work (a massive experience in repeated failures over the years) and ended up burned out and exhausted and depressed, and so forlorn to the point where I was admitted into hospital.
Please don't ever think that you have to try and do it all by yourself - it will wear thin eventually.
One of the loveliest and kindest and most sensible things that the treating psychiatrist told me at the time I was in hospital with a major depressive episode - was that I didn't have to think that I should do it all by myself. He said that it takes a village to raise a child (especially a special needs child). Hilary Clinton really nailed it on the head when she said that.
Part of my exhaustion was due to a sense that I had to be a perfectionist - to have it all, and do it all, thankyou very much. I was full of a sense of self-importance and pride, thinking that I was the only person who understood my children, and that I was the only one capable of giving them the care that they needed. Please don't think that I am trying to replace a mother and father as the most important caregivers that a child (especially one with special needs) has, and forming bonds with parents certainly is very important in a child developing a basic sense of trust in others to supply his or her needs and be taught about the fundamentals of love and affection from the very earliest days of that child's life and onwards.
However, there comes a time, when mothers and fathers (adoptive and foster parents and grandparents-as parents, and guardians too) will need a break from their caring role.
Please don't try to do it all yourself - look what is available in your area. Some organisations have volunteers who will come and visit you and provide mentoring and support. You will probably be able to access respite packages in your local area too.
Talk to your primary health care physician, and he or she can direct you to support services in your area. Find the services that are a best fit for you and your child - and don't feel guilty about getting the service and assistance.
Whatever you do, realise that you have to care for yourself before you can care for your child, and you can do this by enlisting help where you need it, and don't think that you have to go it alone. For your long term health and wellbeing, help is a God send.
*Don't got it alone*
No comments:
Post a Comment