Please don't think you have to go it alone - parenting a child with Autism

While a parent is going through the motions of trying to understand why his or her child is the way that he or she is, there is a flurry of emotions ... like a rollercoaster at times. Regret, guilt, anger, depression, grief - mostly negative. Memories of holding your perfectly formed newborn child get hazier by the day while you are running backwards and forwards between therapy appointments, early childhood developmental specialists and clinics, dieticians, early intervention kindergarten, primary care physician appointments ...

The normal day to day issues of parenting are a huge challenge in and of themselves - let alone when you add the diagnosis of a special needs child to the mix.

I spent days in tears, staring out the window, and driving around roundabouts in circles - literally - while crying that I wanted there to be nothing wrong with my beautiful, wonderful son.

On top of that, my youngest son was undergoing testing for medical problems related to his kidneys, for which he had been hospitalised for.

I remember feeling like a complete idiot when going to the early education kindergarten sometimes - the teachers would rouse at me for sending a sandwich that my son didn't like - and sending it in plastic wrap (no wonder I refuse to use the stuff now, I detest it that much). Apparently a cold cut sandwich with some salad on it was an inferior choice.

I was reading all kinds of books on how to feed my toddler and baby healthy food - but apparently my son had kicked up such a stink that they didn't want me to send a salad sandwich.

I got into trouble for not cutting his nails often enough (do you think I could get near him to cut them!!!) and even getting my son's hair washed was a nightmare. Toilet training was yet another huge hurdle to deal with.

Although the teachers are well meaning, and cared very much about their small students, I don't think that unless you spend 24 hours, seven days a week, trying to manage a toddler and a baby (and my own disability as it turned out to be diagnosed a lot later) who were exhibiting developmental delays and strange and challenging behaviours, that you really truly understand how much of a struggle it is.

The biggest mistake I made was to think that I could do it all - alone. I tried my hardest to be a super- mother. I tried going back to work (a massive experience in repeated failures over the years) and ended up burned out and exhausted and depressed, and so forlorn to the point where I was admitted into hospital.

Please don't ever think that you have to try and do it all by yourself - it will wear thin eventually.

One of the loveliest and kindest and most sensible things that the treating psychiatrist told me at the time I was in hospital with a major depressive episode - was that I didn't have to think that I should do it all by myself. He said that it takes a village to raise a child (especially a special needs child). Hilary Clinton really nailed it on the head when she said that.

Part of my exhaustion was due to a sense that I had to be a perfectionist - to have it all, and do it all, thankyou very much. I was full of a sense of self-importance and pride, thinking that I was the only person who understood my children, and that I was the only one capable of giving them the care that they needed. Please don't think that I am trying to replace a mother and father as the most important caregivers that a child (especially one with special needs) has, and forming bonds with parents certainly is very important in a child developing a basic sense of trust in others to supply his or her needs and be taught about the fundamentals of love and affection from the very earliest days of that child's life and onwards.

However, there comes a time, when mothers and fathers (adoptive and foster parents and grandparents-as parents, and guardians too) will need a break from their caring role.

Please don't try to do it all yourself - look what is available in your area. Some organisations have volunteers who will come and visit you and provide mentoring and support. You will probably be able to access respite packages in your local area too.

Talk to your primary health care physician, and he or she can direct you to support services in your area. Find the services that are a best fit for you and your child - and don't feel guilty about getting the service and assistance.

Whatever you do, realise that you have to care for yourself before you can care for your child, and you can do this by enlisting help where you need it, and don't think that you have to go it alone. For your long term health and wellbeing, help is a God send.

*Don't got it alone*

In the quest to save money - don't be cheap

Many buyers think that they may be buying a bargain when purchasing a bargain from an online auction site such as Ebay.

For the most part, by far the majority of purchases are made from reputable sellers selling authentic and good quality merchandise.

However - a purchaser may be unaware that what they are purchasing can be made by bootleggers, and can and does look close to the original.

On closer inspection though - if you compare the original to the fake or bootleg merchandise - you may be quite surprised to discover that even though you have parted with say for example - $20 less than the price that you might have been able to purchase it from a local retailer - that what in fact you have bought is an inferior and substandard product.

Take for example - Nintendo DS games - not able to be copied right? Wrong: have a look at this - A guide to fake DS games sold on Ebay.

The same goes for pirated films, and backyard movie piracy distribution networks - they are downloading shoddy copies, burning them, and then selling them to the unsuspecting buyer. Then the unsuspecting buyer comes home, either inserts the DS cartridge into their DS, or the movie into their DVD player - and the DS game seizes up and crashes the DS, and the movie's sound and picture are really bad quality, and voila - one might as well have just thrown their hard earned money into the bin.

Please do some research before you purchase really cheap merchandise. Not only will you possibly be purchasing a really inferior and pirated copy, but the game developers, movie makers, and local stores are not getting the revenue that they need to continue selling the real thing.

Consider other ways of legitimately purchased the real product by either trading in your old games, going to the large discount stores where they are having a sale, or to the smaller boutique game stores when they are having a sale, or purchasing second hand games from a licensed second hand dealer. Or you have the option of renting your games - try sites such as Rentagame, Get Gaming, or the local video store. For movies try Redbox, Blockbuster (Blockbuster also hire out games and consoles), Bigpond Movies, Netflix etc.

Don't get diddled! And if you have bought one, and try to resell it on Ebay - beware that you may get caught, and get into some serious trouble.

Buyer beware.

How to control your spending

When one is confronted almost every other day by the circulars from the big retail chains coming into the house, and ads on the television, and all of the other ways that we are exposed to ads, it soon becomes difficult to put a rein in on your spending.

Whatever your personal passion, there are always more innovations and different upgrades to products – more features, more benefits – coaxing you to part with your hard earned dollars. What is tricky is how not to regret parting with those dollars, and having financial grief over purchasing that latest knick- knack because the ads drew you to it.

This is where learning to control your spending comes into play. When one is on the frugal journey, one need not go without – but one learns to be that little more creative and adopt some strategies of ingenuity in order to satiate the passions that drive us.

The first point goes without saying – create a budget for yourself. If you don’t like the word budget (and it can sounds awfully restraining and restrictive) then really essentially it is a spending plan. Make sure you also put into your spending plan all the essentials, including savings, and debt reduction. Then with whatever amount you have left over, that can be your allocated cash allowance per week.

Using cash is fairly much a good control mechanism for controlling your spending. If you put your purchases on plastic – it doesn’t “hurt” as much, because you can’t actually visualise yourself parting with money. Whereas if you use cold hard cash – the reality of what you are spending it on soon you will come to grips with as you see the cash dwindling out of your wallet. There is a certain comfort in having some money still retained in your wallet. It provides a psychological buffer against being completely broke.

If you don’t like the idea of carrying cash about, or you are more of the online kind of shopper (for groceries, or online auctions or anything at all) consider getting a debit card – one that you can use as a credit card for online transactions or over the phone transactions, but the money that you spend out of it comes out of your monetary funds, not the financial institutions – so you will avoid the interest trap.

The other option you have, if you are not able to obtain a debit card – is to go and get a prepaid Visa card. These are available in various places, including some post offices or gift card outlets.

If you do have a credit card – the most useful thing you can do with it is to send it back to the issuer – or put it on ice. Get an old ice cream container, put your credit card (or multiple credit cards) into the ice cream container and fill it with water and pop into the freezer.

If you do have credit card debts – it is wise to go an access some independent financial advice – such as a financial counsellor. They can help you negotiate with your creditors, and sit down with you to formulate a fair and reasonable spending plan for yourself.

If you have difficulty saving, open up a separate bank account, and get your employer to deduct money out of your pay, and put it into your separate bank account. You are not likely to notice the money if it isn’t in your main account, and all the while your account will slowly be building up.

If you have serious issues trying to avoid getting access to your savings account, consider getting an account with a passbook rather than an ATM card – remove the convenient access to that account. Also if you have a trustworthy partner and you have the same goals to save – get an account where you both have to co-sign to get money out of the account – recommended only in situations where you have voluntarily done this and you will not be in a situation where you will be subject to exploitation. If you can maintain your own independent savings, then do that first.

Finally when it comes to actually spending there are a number of tips that can help you reduce the money coming out of your weekly cash allowance, and help you to stretch those spending plan dollars further:

For big ticket purchases (for example anything over $100), consider the 24-48 hour rule. If you really want it/need it – wait 24 to 48 hours before purchasing the item. That will give you enough time to really consider whether you can afford your purchase, and also to compare prices elsewhere.

Consider lay-by or lay-away. This is an option where you can go into a larger discount chain who offer this, and put a minimum percentage of your purchase down as a deposit, and then make small weekly or fortnightly payments while they hold your purchase. There may be a small administration fee associated with this, but it can help you to slowly purchase those larger items, or put items away when you have purchased them on sale. You have a number of weeks to pay for the item completely. Some stores may offer longer payment times for seniors or people with disabilities.

Put together a wish list. When you get paid every week, you may get the temptation to go out and blow it all at once, regretting that you have wasted the dollars you were going to put towards your wish list purchases. If you see something in the circulars or on television that you really want to buy, put it on your wish list. Then when you get your weekly cash allowance, you have the freedom to prioritise where you will spend your money, and be less likely to regret what you purchased.

Avoid impulse buying where you can! Folks have often gone straight into a store to purchase something, only to find out a few days later they could have gotten it cheaper elsewhere. Always try to be creative and stretch your weekly cash allowance further by seeing what prices are elsewhere.

There is an exception to the impulse buy rule. Some of your weekly cash allowance you could consider putting away for those small, indulgent impulse buy luxuries. Consider for example – putting away several dollars here and there for your favourite magazine, or a great bottle of wine, or the Sunday newspaper.

Other ways to control your spending are by considering other ways of saving – for example:

Reduce, re-use, recycle – join Freecycle – www.freecycle.org - you will more than likely have access to a local Freecycle network where you can offer your old stuff to others, and make requests for things that you may need or want. This helps the environment also by reducing consumption, and stopping things from unnecessarily going to the landfill.

Look up books on DIY home repair and restoration – scour places like the second hand furniture stores, junk shops, garage sales, flea markets and even some local council landfill have stores where you can access stuff that has been salvaged before it ended up as possible landfill. You can find plenty of books at your local library, or do online searches for how to creatively restore different items.

Don’t ever forget to comparison shop – check out websites for different prices – for example in Australia there is Shopbot – www.shopbot.com, or there is Getprice – www.getprice.com.au. Check out online auctions sites for available prices there also, e.g. Ebay – www.ebay.com.

Don’t also forget to check out the dollar stores – sometimes they have parallel imports that can be of a suitable quality for your use. Make sure that the store has a guarantee that if you find that the product is substandard, that you have the rights to return it and get a refund.

If you feel so inclined, make it yourself. Do a web search for an article that explains how you can make something for your own use, or check out books from your local library.

As you can see, there are a number of ways to consider how to control your spending. Controlling your spending does not have to be a painful exercise. It can unleash your creative and ingenious side, and you can be a model for others in how to maintain a great lifestyle on a shoestring budget. There are a myriad of frugal living websites on the internet. Find the information that you need, and that will help – and set yourself a challenge of living the good life without financial headaches.

Repair it or recycle - don't chuck it

Well, I have just gone and cancelled a layby for a new lawn mower. I put the money onto my credit card.

I have made a resolve with myself not to put anything else on credit, and to give myself a cash allowance per week - it is really making me sit down and examine what I really am motivated to purchase, and if the purchase will serve me well, or be a dud investment.

As for the lawnmower, we have a good quality lawnmower sitting out in the garden shed, but it isn't currently working.

I just rang and got a quote to repair it, and it is going to cost me $20 for a quote. I am hoping and praying that it is a simple repair, and that I won't end up having to shell out huge amounts of dollars ... either way, it is going to be cheaper than the cost of a new lawnmower.

As far as resource management goes, I have been getting the message from things I read, and pray about - that I ought to look after the things I already have rather than to go out and shell out money for new things, only adding the broken down stuff to the landfill.

I have a really really old fridge in the shed - I don't want to turn it on, but neither am I going to give it away to a charity, because I don't believe that it would be environmentally responsible - it burns way too many kilowatts and it would also cost somebody a hideous amount of money to run. So I figured I have solved my conundrum - I rang around the scrap metal recyclers, and have found somebody who will buy my old fridge to recycle the metal. *cool*

So, two dilemmas solved today - repair the old mower, ditch the old fridge to put money towards the cost of repairing the mower.

Oh yeah - before I forget - if you want to get paid for all your old electronics - there are websites that will buy them - they pay you to be environmentally responsible: Buy and Sell Your Old Electronics here.

Here is a resource (and a thrifty one!) for economically and environmentally sustainable living: (Amazon)Reuse Repair Recycle: A Mine of Creative Ideas for Thrifty Living
And another: Don't Throw It Out: Recycle, Renew and Reuse to Make Things Last (Amazon)
For home decorating ideas Restore. Recycle. Repurpose.: Create a Beautiful Home (A Country Living Book)
And one of my own favourites -
Shabby Chic (Amazon)

Finding Refuge in the things of God - Refuting the lies about ourselves

"The Lord is my refuge; I will abide in Him."
I have been reading a book by Kris Valotton and Bill Johnson, called the Supernatural Ways of Royalty. In the beginning of chapter 5, it talks about how the devil will use people in our lives to speak negative things over us ...

He talks about how women were called whores by their fathers ... and all their lives dealt with immorality ... well I felt that way ... my own father called me whore ... slut ... said I would never be able to wear a white wedding dressed ...

And at the time he said all those things ... I was still a virgin ... after he said those things to me ... I thought well if that is how you think of me ... then why not become that way ... I might as well jump right into the cesspool.

Something my mother had told me to treasure and to save for the man I loved and married, I just threw away ... and threw my own self away ... relegated myself to the garbage dump of life.

I went from being a slender, healthy and confident girl, to by the time after I had my second baby, planning to leave my kids at my brother's house, and then go and get a hire car and drive off the cliff.

I shudder when  think of all those things that my father spoke over me ...

And my mother ... although I loved her ... she had spoken things over me as well ... which led me thinking that I would be scum, and never amount to anything.

I remember that when one of my mother's friends was over visiting, she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up ... I said that I wanted to become a doctor ... and find the cure for cancer. My mother laughed ... said that I wouldn't do anything with my life ... because I was too lazy to study!!!

Over the last 18 years I have done nothing BUT study!!!

I believe that God helped turn something negative that somebody said into a positive - that really is an understatement.

Glory be to Jesus, that He has protected me from the jaws of death time and time again ... both physical and spiritual.

Over the last 18 months I have begun a healing journey, learning to renew my mind by pondering on the things of God, and abiding in Him - He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91.1), and The Peace if God ... will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus - Phillipians 4:7, and But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you (Romans 8:11); and this one also -

1 Corinthians 1:27 - 29 - Instead, God deliberately chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose those who are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important, so that no one can ever boast in the presence of God.

And so I boast only in the things of Christ - I can do nothing apart from Him, who Strengthens me from within, and Jesus came and burst out of the prison of the negativity and lies, and condemnation that Satan used all my life to chain me up and torment me. For Christ indeed came to set the captives free, and indeed I am free.

Amen

*The healing is becoming physically evident - this time last year all my blood results were very shabby - now I have no raised liver enzymes, perfect blood pressure, and have gone from 128 kilograms to 116 kilograms - this has only come about because I no longer believe that I belong in the garbage dump of life, but that I am a daughter of the Most High God, through Jesus' work on the cross.*

The Difficulty of, and how to cope with eye contact

Just yesterday I was talking to a lady pastor ... and I was sharing with her about reading social situations and how I found it difficult. When I first walked into her office, I didn't really have it together about how I wanted to approach the topic of conversation - in short I was just plain nervous, so I avoided eye contact with her, and looked out her window while I explained to her what I wanted to see her about.

It was a highly personal topic, so it upped the ante for my nervousness and anxiety. But I found her encouraging, and gentle and I eased into my conversation with her, eventually relaxing enough to make eye contact with her.

One of the things I really really really detest is when a person with Aspergers, either an adult or a child is in a situation where he or she is very nervous, uncomfortable or the environment is overloading his or her sensory system, and the typically developed person says to the individual on the spectrum "LOOK at me while I am speaking to you!!!"

My son was in a situation with the deputy principal of his school, and we were trying to sort out who did what in a very precarious thing, where some other typically developing child had drawn a rather vulgar picture, and wrote on it that my son had drawn it - so we were playing detective. I had been called in by the deputy to try to discuss this rather delicate situation, and when I saw the drawing - I did not recognise the handwriting - it clearly was not my son's handwriting, so we waltzed around from the deputy principal's office, to the special education unit with the Head of Special Education there, and I ended up very distressed, that some other kid had again set my child up as the bad guy. Anyway, the situation got sorted out.

The deputy principal was trying to get out of my son if he had in fact done the drawing, and my son was adamant that he had not done it. Often though - and it is understandable - that one of the body language cues that somebody is being untruthful is that they will not make eye contact with a person.

However!!! And this is a big however - when a person on the Autistic spectrum is in a situation that is even slightly precarious, or they are feeling even slightly uncomfortable - please don't expect eye contact!!! Especially don't demand eye contact - that will just make a person with Autism/Aspergers even less likely to be able to verbalise anything to you.


And now - for those on the spectrum *a little hint that I have picked up along the way* when you are in a situation where somebody wants to obtain eye contact with you - for example - in a job interview; you are probably more likely motivated to make eye contact with that person. It would still be very difficult though - so a socially acceptable habit I have picked up in my various discussions and experiences is that you can look just above a person's eyes, and that may get you through a certain number of different scenarios.


In contexts that are a little more confrontational, or of the nefarious kind (like being called to the principal's office) if you are able - explain to the person that you have difficulty making eye contact, and that you are in fact listening to the person, but that you cannot process what they are saying while you are observing their facial features, because we can't multiprocess sensory input. 


If that is also too stressful, and the context is very anxiety ridden - and I have been in situations like that - enlist the support of an advocate - being a trusted friend, relative, or reputable advocate from a community legal and advocacy centre. You can explain the situation to the advocate, and then they can speak on your behalf.


*hey even Moses had Aaron as his advocate and encourager when he went and approached the pharoah* =)


if you have any tips for making "eye contact" less stressful - please feel free to share these!!!

PUH-LEASE! Wil you ditch the word stupid ...?!!!!

For a long time in my household, I have put a permanent ban on the word "stupid." It irks me no end in fact. But that doesn't stop other comments like "you're soooooo dumb" or "you must be one of God's mistakes ..." (don't even get me started there).

An attitude like that in a household can really affect the mindsets of the kids and adults in a household ... growing up in a household with constant denigration did in my case lead to self harm, and hatred of who I was. It has taken a lot of years of therapy, prayer, dealing with bitterness, learning how to forgive ... let go ... and move on, to move past all the denigration.

One of the reasons I don't generally turn on the evening news a whole lot (if ever - I can't really recall the last time it was on) is because it is full of negativity, and having Aspergers, one can tend to ruminate on the negative and depressing situations and themes - not generally a good thing to do.

So after all the Saturday morning chaos - I am shouting "can we PUHLEASE press the reset button" and haven an attitude of encouragement and positivity in this household ... thankyou guys!!!

I have made up my mind I am going to walk in love ... and have a nice day ... *cheers*

When you learn your child has Autism

I was pregnant with my second son and I went and attended a child health clinic where the nurse was teaching me a course on Positive Parenting. I had my toddler there with me, and she noted that he wasn't talking. He was two and a half, and I didn't really know when to expect a conversation out of him - being my first child. I half dismissed her comment, telling her that he would be right. But it sat at the back of my mind.

My younger sister in law is a special needs teacher, and her older sister is a primary school teacher. They also commented to me around the same time, maybe a little later that I really ought to go and get my son checked out for his hearing, because he should have been talking by the time that he was two and a half. So, I ended up in the paediatrician's office. We went to the hearing laboratory to check that out and his hearing was cleared - so we ended up at the speech therapist.

I remember driving around a roundabout with my baby and toddler in the back seat of the car, going around a couple of times, crying - because "something was wrong with my son!!" It is devastating to learn that there is anything wrong with your child ...

To cut a long story short, my son attended the early childhood education program for special needs children, under the category of speech language impairment. He never had a real conversation with me until after he was seven.

I sent him to a preschool around the corner, after he had graduated from the early childhood program. The teachers at the early childhood program were pressed for funding, and Caelon was going to be attending a private preschool, so he was discharged from the early childhood program.

I thought that everything was fine, until I attended the mid-year parent teacher interview. I remember the lovely young teacher looking at me sincerely, saying that she thought I needed to go and have a review with the paediatrician. Apparently all my son ever did was sit in a corner quietly by himself, and never spoke to anyone. He never participated in any games, and had little rituals that he needed to do. He was also notoriously difficult to toilet train, and had massive tantrums at home, and at school.

I ran over my cat one day (she survived) because my son had a meltdown at the preschool, and I put my youngest son in the car, and quickly backed out of the driveway - they told me that I had to pick him up, because he was hyperventilating. (I think he was having a panic attack-meltdown thingy).

Anyway, so back to the paediatrician - my son was then formally diagnosed with Autism. He wasn't speaking, wasn't interacting, and had all kinds of behavioural things.

I remember sitting at a party that my son had been invited to (the only one he has ever been invited to) and sitting quietly to myself. The parents around me were talking excitedly about how their children would be going into the first year of primary school soon, and my son was going to be enrolling in a state school with a special education unit.

A guidance officer had done an IQ test on my son, and told me (without him knowing) that my son's score was typical of a child with Autism. I then confirmed to the guidance officer that in fact - yes - my son was diagnosed by a paediatrician and an allied health team as having Autism.

I used to cry loads and loads, that although I spent hours at the occupational therapist trying to teach my son different skills and improve his muscle tone and fine motor skills, and get him toilet trained, and hours working with the speech therapist - and doing our home programs, and trying to deal with his younger brother (who was very very full on - and later diagnosed with Aspergers) - I was devastated and wondered if my child would ever talk to me. I felt very alone.

I joined a local support group - and became their president for a while. That helped a little - to share with the others. But I had my own issues going on - I had been diagnosed with a mood disorder, and I was trying to manage that while I looked after my eldest son with Autism, and try to cope with his younger brother (who also had some health issues with his kidneys, and very challenging behaviours).

It all became too much for me and the bottom dropped out ... I tried to take my own life.

Thankfully, it was unsuccessful, and I am still here to be able to tell you that although it is difficult, that you will get through it.

I have found a new found hope in my faith, and I have also put more supports in my life that help me to cope ...

Not long after my overdose, and my second son was diagnosed with Aspergers, my husband and I bundled up the two kids, and went and saw a social worker. He was very kind to us, and uttered some words of hope. I had been told by somebody that my youngest son probably had a reactive attachment disorder, and I felt devastated to think that I found him difficult to cope with as a baby, and resented how he cried all the time.

The social worker told me that every day that dawns is an opportunity to renew your bond with your child. Last night my youngest son sat down together with a hot chocolate each, and I read him a chapter out of Wind in the Willows (my favourite childhood book). He said a little prayer, and told me he loved me. I hugged him and told him I loved him - we now have a wonderful relationship, and enjoy doing all sorts of cooking of different things (specially things that involve chocolate). So that gave me great hope, to think that I can bond with my son, despite our difficult start together.

As for my eldest son, did he ever speak? Oh yes, he just told me he is going to invade my room and play the Xbox 360. He is still very shy at school, but he copes with a largely mainstream curriculum, with teacher aide support, and literacy and numeracy skills learned in the special education unit. He can read and write, and is very good at remembering a huge volume of facts. And he talks to me all the time about his favourite animals. He is starting high school next year, and wants to go on to have a career looking after wildlife.

My youngest son wants a career in movie making - he is extremely creative, and he sits down and writes little stories that he then sets up some action figures in the middle of the lounge room, and films them with his little flash memory camcorder, which he helped to save up for.

What is the lesson in all of this?

Yes, while you are going through the process of diagnosis, and subsquent therapy appointments, and hear sometimes that your child is not going to have a very good prognosis - don't give up hope!!!

The other thing that the social worker shared with me *bless his heart* was that the parents who go on with their children, and survive through all the difficulties, and are the most successful - are the ones who are like a beacon to others, and share the stories of hope and triumph over difficulties. Every day we have a small victory, sure - we still have lots of difficulties, and sometimes there are some really tough days -

But never give up hope. Wherever your child sits on the spectrum, he or she can have a good life, a wonderful life, and bring yourself and others great joy. Learn to appreciate the wonderful qualities about yourself, and your child - focus on the gifts you both have, get help where you need it, and

*enjoy the journey*

The Social Aspects of World of Warcraft (or not?)

My hubby has a couple of level 80 characters. He plays Horde, and belongs to a guild of over 30 people. He did used to go every other weekend down to the hobby store and play Warhammer 40K with a bunch of other folks (mostly men, the odd woman would play). Right now he is beta testing Cataclysm, and showing our ten year old son how to get the most out of his own character. Have I tried 40K? yeah I have, but it never really grabbed me.
Hubby says to me - how come you aren't a hard core gamer like you used to be? I am like well yeah I do play games - but my most favourite games are on our Nintendo Wii, and oh boy, I am really hanging for the new Goldeneye to come out. We would play that until the small hours of the morning. I remember hanging out with my friends, playing Doom way back in the days of DOS, before Windows 95. (Wow I know I must be old cause I used DOS LOL).
Anyway I am getting sidetracked. I don't know if I would consider myself a WOW widow, but I have checked out some of those support group sites for people whose partners regular participate in the raids and get a whole bunch of characters up to level 80.
I maybe considered hubby like a hard core dude with WOW, until I heard of another man with Aspergers playing Call of Duty for 28 hours straight. Hmmm - hubby never done that - but he has sat on a raid and gone at it from about 4 pm, eats his dinner in front of the computer and funnily enough, I never really see him get up to go to the men's room .... hmmm must have a superman bladder =)
I head off to bed, then I guess maybe I get up at about 1.30, two am? to go to the toilet, and sure enough he is still hard core at it.
There is one great player who sometimes gets called away, cause he is in the rural fire brigade (bless his heart). But hubby has been chosen up amongst the high ranks of his guild to run the raids and chair meetings on this Ventrilo thingamajig (I installed it and configured it LOL).
Anyway, so I was never much for "group activities" ... I was never really well co-ordinated at school - I would throw the ball to the wrong team, miss the ball when it was thrown to me, and could never bat a t-ball off the post, let alone a softball. And as far as netball goes, I was like the fourth reserve for the B-level team, so I never got to go on the court. Sigh. So I never really learned to participate and enjoy the aspect of working in a team to achieve something competitively (that is not to say that I can't learn to participate in a team with other people to get something achieved, but I need a really good leader who delegates stuff properly and ensure equal participation - actually I have done some training myself in group facilitation *its good stuff). So hubby has been encouraging me to go onto his account, and build up a dark elf character. Have I done it? nope.
I guess the most annoying part of hubby playing World of Warcraft, is that his computer is in the kitchen, and well, yeah - it can get quite annoying when the bad guys they are trying to kill in the dungeon are setting off the alarms - like Professor Putricide, and that awful alarm noise, or that thing that screams all the time "run away little girl, run away!" while I am stirring the pasta sauce or grating cheese. And hubby, he is fully into it - telling all his subordinates where to go, commanding the DPS dudes, the healers, the tanks etc etc ... lol I didn't think I knew all these terminologies, but I guess you pick them up while you are in the kitchen listening to all the conundrum of the raid. Anyway - hubby has great leadership skills. His raids are successful, and the guild leaders have promoted him to the high ranks of the guild, and he has all these guild privileges, like getting more stuff out of the guild bank. So for him, he really gets a kick out of it. He is able to command his team well, and they are attempting week after week different things in ICC or something. I think they are still trying to get to the Lych King or something like that, which I am pretty sure will be sooner rather than later. So he socialises with all these folks online, but doesn't tend to socialise face to face with people like he used to when he played Warhammer on the weekends. He is at home more, sure, but his mental attention is elsewhere ... so I guess that is life in the 21st Century - socialising online with people's avatars - representatives of themselves, or something like that. I think as a person with Aspergers though, whilst socialising with people online is certainly less mentally challenging (I don't have to multiprocess body language, tone, voice, speech, context and all the other things at once that are related to face to face communication) and I have more time to consider what somebody says in an email, I still think it is important to socialise with others face to face. Having friends, even if a person only has a few, and being able to wave to the neighbours, is a healthy thing to do.
At the moment, a friend and I are in the process of setting up a local support network for people with Aspergers. Our first meeting will be a face to face meeting - so I guess I will keep you posted =) - meanwhile I am waiting for my new Pokemon Game in the mail (lol I still am a gamer at heart)

A quick healthy pick me up with the kids

I was feeling pretty blah this morning. I looked over my food diary from yesterday - and in it I noted that I had zilch fruit or vegetable!!!
I had a lapband done in 2007, and have had a battle to get co-operating with it, not to say that I hate having it, I love it, and would do it all again - but it sure needs the support of a good allied health team to keep cheering you on - at least that is what I have found with mine :-)
When I feel stressed, my band tightens right up, and I just can't eat ... so yesterday I had some Up & Gos, (a breakfast shake) http://www.upandgo.com.au/ - if you want to check them out - they are awfully handy :-)
I did my strength training workout last night while I was watching a Joyce Meyer DVD on "Letting Go and Letting God." I found it very encouraging, as I have been a little stressed lately - I think I have been trying to achieve too much and don't have the time or resources at the moment to do it ... or rather it isn't the right time LOL.
My eldest son had a sleepover with his best (and really only) friend last night, and it was a late night. His mum came to get him this morning, and she fell asleep on the couch - cause she wasn't feeling too flash either LOL.
Well, the benefit of keeping a food and exercise diary is fantastic - it keeps me accountable, and it helps keep me on track. I decided that instead of driving to the post office (which isn't really environmentally friendly!!) I would get my shoes on, grab the kids and head off to the post office. While we were at the small convenience shopping centre, I went in and grabbed some bananas and strawberries that were on sale. I made sure I took some water in a refillable bottle (I recommend BPA free ones!!) and then the kids and I sat down on the grass in front of the store whilst we had our fruity picnic.
Anyway, fast forward to now, and I am feeling a whole lot better! So some physical activity and some nutritious food, and keeping myself well hydrated are great energy fixes!!! (I don't drink so much coffee as what I used to - I only tend to have one cup a day now ... I have gone from about 12 cups a day to one cup a day! If I have too much caffeine I get jittery LOL). The back is much better too. The physiotherapist told me to get up and move around (I am studying an accounting certificate so sit in front of the computer a bit) and stretch and keep mobile - she said that will help with my back pain. Man I love the physio. If you do suffer from the blahs from lack of energy, and get a sore back - go and see a health care practitioner - I have found mine extremely helpful in helping me to keep well, and mobile, and more energetic through healthy ways instead of energy drinks that I was very very badly addicted to about 18 months ago :-) *Cheers*

Saving Yourself Money By Investing in Your Skills

By investing in your skills - you can save money by being able to do it yourself, and also be able to make money by being more employable or having the opportunity to run your own service for others
About five or so years ago, I decided to go to the local TAFE college to learn how to put together and fix computers. Unfortunately for me though, I didn't get to finish it off - I did about two thirds of the course. What I did learn though has saved me hundreds of dollars!!!
Computer technicians can charge upwards of around $50 plus an hour (don't take my word for it though - phone around in your own local area for a good price). I remember a long time ago, we had a video card in the computer throw it in - it cost me around $130 to get it looked at - and that was a good price at the time (and that was quite a number of years ago). With the price of goods increasing, and the post global recession economy, people are deciding to go more frugal, and learning more DIY kind of stuff. There are ways and means of DIY - getting books from the library, attending a community course etc. *some things need to be left to the experts - I had a dream last night about making sure we hired a qualified electrician LOL - must have had something to do with the book I was reading about time saving tips*
Anyway - back to my course - the Certificate III in Information Technology (General): it ended up costing me about $500. I was able to get a concession fee, because I live on a disability pension, and I paid it off through Centrepay - which is where you can get course fees paid out of your welfare payment in Australia.
My hubby at the time - about halfway through my course - ended up getting a bad dose of pneumonia, and ended up in hospital. This kind of threw a spanner in the works, and it was difficult to get to classes. I did what I could, and I spoke to the disability services officer at the TAFE college, and he was able to help me get as much completed as I could.
So I finished off the six months of community college with about 10 competencies out of the course. And I was able to put together our computers, back them up, install operating systems, get rid of viruses, replace hard dives, set up a really great home network, and save myself loads of money in the interim.
Anyway - so fast forward to today - whenever I go to the main mall in the middle of town, from time to time I walk past the Skilling Solutions Queensland office. The Queensland State Government has set up this really neat scholarship program, where they can help you upgrade your qualifications, get recognition for your existing skills, and help you basically become more employable.
So two weeks ago, I visited Skilling Solutions http://www.skillingsolutions.qld.gov.au/ (for more information) to see if they could assist me. They were able to help my husband - who is by trade an engineering patternmaker, but has been working in a warehouse and stores at a local foundry. He was able to get a Certificate III in Transport and Logistics (Warehousing) through a recognition of prior skills scholarship. It was a very straightforward process, a little time consuming, but he was able to get recognition for his skills, and it will help him be more employable in the future.
So - I am braving it myself now. Today I am filling out the paperwork to finish off my IT qualification and get it off to the local community college ( http://www.tafe.qld.gov.au/ for more information on Queensland TAFE colleges - Technical and Further Education). I hate leaving things unfinished. It is really important to me to get this finished off, it gives me some closure, and it may lead to employment as a IT support officer. Either way - it will pay dividends. Speaking of IT bargains - check out some amazing specials on IT equipment - Comp-U-Plus 

In this day and age, it is vital to get oneself skilled up. I went to university and did a three year degree in Journalism and Communications. That is great - but there isn't much calling for it in the town where I work. I recommend when you are evaluating your own skillset, and looking to expand your skills, you do a web search to look for how much in demand those skills are (for example in Australia - the Australian Job Outlook: http://joboutlook.gov.au/ The other thing I recommend doing is to an online evaluation of your skills and interests, and compare these to recommended career fields - for example, in Australia - there is the My Future website, where you can register and have a free online career guidance report, according to such things as your skills, interests, and job requirement preferences (eg outdoor, indoor, lifestyle, flexible arrangements) http://www.myfuture.edu.au/ *Also check around and see what local resources are available to you, such as a careers counsellor at your local school or college*
Anyway I am off to get this paperwork done, and finish off this certificate!

The Joys of Coupons!!!

I didn't used to pay much attention to coupons - we don't get a lot of the grocery manufacturer's coupons here in Australia. More so there are the coupons like two for one cappuccinos at McCafe, buy one meal get one free at the taverne just out of town; buy one burger get one free. Well, today - it is school holidays here in Australia in my state for two weeks, so kids are bored and want to do stuff, so I took the boys with me to the mall.
I had the two for one hotdog offer - singly the hotdogs were around four dollars each, and I got two of them for $5! What a bargain. So then we moved on to the McCafe, and they enjoyed their frozen Ogre drinks (Yay Shrek!!).
I read in Prevention Australia magazine (October 2010) http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com/prevention/nutrition/
an article about eating clean food - they said it was good to follow the 80/20 rule. So for 80% of the time, eat clean whole unprocessed foods, and cook from scratch, and allow the other 20% of the time for when you go out and about and socialise. So today I took advantage of the Wendy's hotdog coupons and got the boys a hotdog each. Cheap holiday "tucker" LOL. Then we walked around town going here and there for a while - they wanted to know why I was walking everywhere (er kids it is good for you!) and then we came home. I am hoping to be able to book a holiday up the coast with the aid of a coupon (woohoo!!!) which includes some meals at an expensive cafe near the beach. Hoping to get away in the first week of November for a few days. It is starting to get warmer around here - soon it will be summer!! And I will be losing more pounds, but anyway - I sure have enjoyed coupons this week.
Oh yeah, and my hubby and I and the kids love to go to the cinema, but for all of us the price can be a little prohibitive - not a problem really - I got myself a discount coupon there as well, and we have cinema loyalty cards which allow a free movie every so many films that you see; so between the coupon and the loyalty card - I can save some more $$$$$$, and pay down some debt!!! Check out The Dollar Stretcher too, for some great money saving lifestyle ideas. You can subscribe to a mailing list, and I really look forward to the weekly Dollar Stretcher newsletter in my inbox, and readers have the opportunity to submit tips in a tip competition, so it really is worth checking out: http://www.stretcher.com/
Enjoy :-)

Greening the laundry day

Well, I did end up doing a bit of retail therapy - this time for the planet. I really detest using the dryer - the carbon footprint for those things is really hideous.
I do have the most wonderful solar powered dryer out the backyard - the traditional old Australian Hills Hoist. They are great big washing lines, that you can lower up and down (which is great because the boys can help me bring in the washing), and they are virtually maintenance free.
Unfortunately - I can't bring it inside. So to work I got on my bunged up indoor drying rack (thankyou to the inventor of sticky tape) and put my laundry on it. I also went down to the dollar store, and picked up a massive bargain priced indoor laundry rack for $12.00.
For a bit of beauty therapy, I picked up a Garnier tone correcting serum for only $6 - it was a steal!! And some of my favourite shampoo for half the price I pay for it at the supermarket. I have decided I am only going to wash my hair every two days - less product, less time spent in the shower - lower my carbon footprint. There is always the dry shampoo if it is really bad LOL - and it saves me loads of time too, waiting for my hair to dry. I don't tend to "style" my hair a lot with the hairdryer. I usually wash and wear, but I do style it if I am going out or something like that.
So I am feeling better about my carbon footprint - just a small change is all it can take - to (a) lower my electricity bill and (b) reduce my carbon footprint. I am considering eating more vegetarian meals to reduce our meat consumption too. (I only buy free range eggs now! After seeing some stuff that Jamie Oliver showed about battery hens I just can't face the cage eggs anymore!!!)
*by the way guys - the two books I bought last night were e-books - they definitely have to be more eco-friendly than a printed book - and to top it off, one of them was about reducing my carbon footprint.*
Well, the kids are getting hungry, the washing machine has beckoned ... so I am just about off. Oh and I also applied to my electric company for a peak demand reduction trial. Ain't I a good little girl. Today wasn't so bad after all.

Sometimes it's just dang hard ...

Woke up this morning, after watching a really depressing documentary on SBS Australia last night - Sir David Attenborough - How Many People Can Live on Planet Earth? So I scoured the online bookstore for books on how to reduce my carbon footprint, and then went to bed. This morning I woke up to my one son watching the big plasma TV, and the other kid on the Xbox playing Halo Reach. I mooched into the kitchen, made myself a cup of hot cocoa, and then sorted out some washing. I also loaded up my husband's computer, to discover that the processor is idling on 50 %, and the physical memory is up quite a bit - so I let him know that I will have to do a back up and reinstall.
It is a dreary day, and its hard to get the clothes dry on a day like today, so I am regrettably loading some of them into the dryer.
The cats wrecked one of my clothes drying racks when they jumped on it and sat on it when it was drying off some towels, so I am going to try to tape it back together and see if it holds the weight of some wet washing.
Right now, my son is telling me that I hate him, because I told him he wasn't having a sleepover with his friend. Apparently also I am dumb, because I have a mood disorder as well *cringe*
I asked my son to empty the dishwasher - apparently I do nothing around here - hmmm - aside from balancing the cheque book, doing the washing, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the toilet, cooking meals, making lunch ...
"You're dumb" ... its moments like this that make me want to throw everything in and walk away - but I can't - I made the choices to get married and have these two kids. I am committed. I am also committed to trying to make this a better day - right now I am not sure how. My son wants me to wrap him up *back in a sec*
"Wrap him up! That's weird!" you might be thinking now - actually when my eldest son with Autism was a youngster the occupational therapist told me to wrap him in a doona, place some cushions on him and lie on him for the deep pressure which would subsequently calm him down. Seems to work reasonably quickly.
My drying rack looks a little sad - so I guess its off to the dollar store for me to buy a new one - which is kind of ironic - buying something new is consumption, but it will reduce my greenhouse emissions through not running the dryer. Ahhhhhhhh - retail therapy ....
I also need to check out the price of repairing our mower ... instead of getting a new one ... hmmmm
Can I turn this day into a better one considering the lousy start it got off to ... hmmm things to be thankful for! That I have an education and a roof over my head, food to cook ... that I have two beautiful wonderful sons and a loving husband ... :-)

The Benefits of a Declutter

Today I feel that I have achieved something! I decided that I would get in and do a declutter of my bathroom toiletries supply cupboard. I had a whole lot of stuff in there. I brought it all out, put it in a box, and went through and chucked out all the old out of date stuff, all the stuff that was no good, and I found a treasure trove - that will save me a fortune in buying more stuff - when I already have it!!
I found deodorants, razors, shaving cream, soap, toothpaste, toothbrushes and mouthwash - all kinds of things. I am now in the process of putting together an inventory, and this will be my list of things NOT to buy :-)
A don't buy list is a great idea, because more than likely, if you haven't checked - you are wasting your money when you already have something.
It only took me about 30 minutes to go through it all and sort it out. I had some baskets that I could put all the sorted categories into (I thought I would need to get some but I already had those as well!) and I even set myself out a pamper station with all kinds of goodies that I can have a luxurious spa at home experience - all without having to go out and buy new stuff! So I have saved myself a load of money, and will not waste the resources I already have! *If you don't know how to declutter, and would like to develop organisation and routines - I recommend joining Flylady - she is great and very encouraging. I have her declutter kit, and have bought her book Sink Reflections. She really is quite good. There are other organisation sites around - check out a search engine. For Flylady's helpful hints - go to www.flylady.net.
And save yourself a whole load of time and money and resources!!!

Engaging with a Service Provider

Engagement - what is it? It is when a person who uses a service chooses at some level to work or not to work in an effective partnership with a person or organisation who provides him or her a service. In the context of a person on the Autistic Spectrum - this may be a disability support organisation - such as a specialist job search agency, a psychologist, or a direct support and lifestyle support agency. It can be a little intimidating approaching a service agency when you don't feel that you have been treated fairly. Usually its ok to compliment a service provider on a job well done, but if you are feeling that things haven't really gone too flash, then you may need to equip yourself with some helpful tools.
Firstly, I would recommend scouring on the internet, or the old phone book for an advocacy service. Or, get a trusted friend or relative who communicates competently, and really listens and understands, and knows you well.
Together you can approach the situation constructively. Firstly - take some time to really think about the outcomes that you want from approaching your service provider. Start from where you have been wronged, and work out options that you may like to ponder - that you can present to the service provider as options for them to be able to work with you to correct or make amends in your service provision.
So make sure you take the time to thoroughly think about this - impulsivity is not recommended when going to approach a service provider.
You will need to schedule a time with the management person, or complaints department - if you wish to approach them personally. In a situation where I was not happy with the decision made by my service provider, I wrote a letter to the complaints department. I showed it to my spouse, and he took the time to go through it with me.
Be polite always!! Don't attack persons, separate the who of the person, from what has been done. Personal attacks will always make the other person unwilling to listen to you.
By making an appointment time to go and see the person, or by sending a letter, you are ensuring for yourself that the person will have the time to properly consider your position. If you call during a really busy time - for example when the pay department and admin department are trying to finish processing time cards, or the manager is with another person, you will only be given the option of "we will have to call you back later." Often I have found that the person is so snowed under that they never have the opportunity of calling you back anytime soon. So, I would either call, or if you feel unable to speak to the person, send an email requesting an appointment time, and suggest the times that you are available. Build some flexibility into your appointment time request.
When you do have your appointment, I do recommend taking an advocate so that you can remain calm while your advocate speaks on your behalf. I have done this in situations where I have been extremely stressed out and my husband has come along and he knows what I want to communicate, and has been able to remain calm and explain to the service provider what I wanted as an outcome.
At all times be polite, even if it is extremely difficult. Don't ever use personal attacks. The service provider has to remain calm and objective, and if all parties can leave emotions out of it, while working on outcomes, then a successful compromise is easier to obtain.
Allow the service provider to consider your complaint, and your goals for the meeting. More than likely you will be able to come to an agreed outcome when you are both working towards a common goal where the outcome is that you get the best possible service from the service agency.

Bargain Entertainment

I have a whole bunch of gamers in my home - we like to play Wii, Playstation 3, Xbox and Nintendo DS. I also like to read books - lots of them. I love music as well. I also enjoy movies. Unfortunately (well actually really quite fortunately) - my weekly cash allowance doesn't stretch to cater to buying everything on a fancy whim and desire.
So what is a hard core book reader, gamer and movie buff to do? You can scour ebay for great second hand deals on games and books, is one way to satiate your appetite. The local library is also a wonderful source of music, movies, and books galore. I walk out of the library with my two bags fully loaded and ready to go.
There is definitely a bonus in using my local library!!! I get vouchers on there like two for one coffee deals, so my friend and I can get a $2 cappucino and catch up every other week. (Thanks for that my local library!!!) The library is also a great place to go and chill out, grab the latest of my favourite magazines, and then I can leave, not having spent a cent, but having enjoyed all the latest articles.
What about things I can't hire from the library - like games and a larger collection of movie DVDs? Well, for Australians, there are things like Bigpond movies http://dvd.bigpondmovies.com/ to check it out - if you want you can do a free trial. There is also now Red Room DVD http://www.redroomdvd.com/home.php where you can rent movies from a box in the local mall. Just go to google, and do a search for DVD rentals, and voila - you can rent movies, and send them back without having made a huge financial commitment. The other thing that I have picked up on now is game rental - you can check out your local video store, or there are also online options - for Australians - such as http://www.rentagame.com.au/ - Rentagame or there are plenty others. There is also the option of trading in some of your games towards the purchase of a new one towards that new game that you want. It also pays to wait a couple of weeks after the release of the game, when the people who bought it first have played it out, then traded it in. For rentals, trades and all of that other stuff make sure you check out all their terms and conditions for yourself, and I am not necessarily recommending one or the other, just letting you know that these options are available. I recommend you do an independent search on the internet to see what you can come up with yourself :-) - and don't forget, there is always probably the trusty old video store in your local area where you can hire a game or a movie - just don't forget to take it back on time, so you can avoid the late fees!!! * I also advise, that if you are going to download movies, please do so legally - if you download pirated films you are taking away from future investment in the industry and taking away people's jobs!!! Please follow all the applicable copyright laws in your country. 

Healthy Relationship Boundaries

One of the things I have been really working on a lot lately is boundaries. My mental health nurse has explained to me that our lives are like onions (LOL like Shrek telling Donkey that 'onions have layers'). It is true though - I need to keep the inner layers of my "onion" in perspective - in that I have to make sure that I look after myself primarily: spiritually, physically, mentally. This in essence is done so that all the layers of my "onion" stay healthy, and in their right spot. In the middle of the onion is myself - that is the core of my life. If it is rotten, and I don't take care of myself, then all of the other layers will eventually become yuck and rotten.
My husband and my kids are the next layer from myself. I need to take care of myself first, and then my relationships with them. This includes being a positive, healthy companion for my husband, and a caring and healthy mother who sets good boundaries for her kids.
Outside of those layers is my work, and my friends, and then my acquaintances.
For a long time I had been prone to bringing people who were in an unhealthy state of mind into my inner layers, and they really didn't belong there. I developed codependent relationships with my father, and with my stepmother, and with some friends along the road of life, because I had been the daughter of a man who was devastated by trauma and used alcohol to soothe his grief.
I have been working really hard lately, with my psychologist, and in my own private studies in developing appropriate and healthy relationship boundaries. One of the books I recommend is the book Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to Say No - To take Control of your life, by Doctors Henry Cloud, and John Townsend. I also recommend Joyce Meyer's CD series titled Freedom from Codependency. There are also many other great resources on developing healthy relationship boundaries, and also on releasing yourself from codependency. Freedom from Co-Dependency (Joyce Meyer) . When you come to developing healthy relationship boundaries though, one thing you will need to do is to practice putting these boundaries into place. In one particular relationship that I had with a lady, I would often feel obligated to help her. I had to withdraw from contact from her for a while, in order to sort out where and when I would be willing to assist her, and when to say no, and how to do it gracefully. It takes a little practice - my psychologist was wonderful in helping me to understand the importance of healthy boundaries, and how to implement these. One thing as a Christian was that I felt that I had to "help" people do whatever they asked me to do. This in fact is incorrect. My psychologist shared with me that my perspective was wrong - and that by helping people to do what they are able to do for themselves, I am not really loving that person, but enabling them to exist in a codependent relationship with myself. So I made myself up some guidelines - when somebody is genuinely not able to help themselves in a particular situation, and I have the time to have considered whether the request will be at odds with my health, or my ability to look after my relationships with my spouse and children, and I have prayerfully considered it, then I don't really have an issue with saying yes. It can be a bit tricky though. Sometimes I will contact somebody and say yes I can do "x" and then they might add extra to that request - in that case, I strongly recommend that you say that you will get back to them, and that you need time to consider their request. In the last couple of weeks, I had a request to make a bird cage cover. I considered it, and told the lady that I would make it for her, for her birthday. It was a project which required some money and time, but because I put it into the category of a gift, I was happy to do that for her. I also had a barbecue for another friend. We discussed having her stay the night as she lives out of town, but it didn't suit our situation, so we agreed to have it the next day. Another relative of mine had a car breakdown. She had nobody else at that time to assist her, so it was not a problem for me to do that - I felt comfortable in doing that. With the same person, I have been able to also say no, when I believed that it was not in either of our best interests.
Before you agree to doing something for somebody - take time to ponder it. Is it going to affect the ability you have to care for yourself, or your core relationships (partner and immediate family ie children); is it a genuine case where the person cannot do that for themselves? Have you got the available resources? Are you happy to help in that situation? *One thing I strongly recommend is that if you feel obligated (!!!) run a mile away from it - because it is probably your instinct telling you that you ought to say no!!! And if you really want to say no, but you hear yourself saying yes - don't do it!!! Also - a little tip for that "urgent" telephone call - tell the person you will get back to them in a few minutes (unless of course it is a dangerous or life threatening situation) and take the time to consider the request in the quiet and peace of your mind. Of course, if you do have codependent or social anxiety issues, or trouble with your relationships, I recommend consulting a reputable counsellor. *Cheers*

Helpful hints - health and wellness

One of my favourite types of magazines are women's health magazines. Among my favourites are Prevention, Good Health and Medicine (Australia) and Women's Health (Australia). I have learned lots and lots from them. When I am feeling really unmotivated and down in the dumps, I go out and get one of these as a treat, and I am inspired to get back on track and looking after my health.
I am currently obese, but I wasn't always this way. Becoming obese was the result of sitting at a sedentary job, getting my drivers license (it was more convenient for me to drive everywhere instead of walking), getting depressed after my second baby, and being put on medication to help control my anxiety. I ate and ate and sat and sat, and cried, and ate, and binged and ate and binged. My table manners weren't so great - I would hovel down my food without enjoying it, would go back for seconds, thirds and fourths (oh no I might miss out!!!) and ate myself into oblivion, an unending cycle of depression and binging on sugary carbs and foods devoid of nutrient value, and chugging down more than a gallon of cola every day while I sat and stared into space, often with tears down my cheeks.
Why did I do this to myself? Really - I thought that I was worthless. I really did - I really believed that I wasn't worth looking after, so my habits culminated in a slow method of self harm.
My father in law passed away nearly four years ago, and his dying wish was for me to do something about my weight. Anyway - fast forward about seven months from there, I ended up getting a lapband. It was one of the best things that I have done. I was going along really well motivated, but then disaster struck again when my own father died of a respiratory arrest. His body had been severely aged, he was in his early sixties, but had been subjected to various traumas throughout his adult life - the loss of two women he loved led him to become dependent on alcohol, and he tried to deal with his grief from self medicating with alcohol. Two outcomes came out of that - he ended up finding a wonderful lady who looked after him and was married to him for the final 15 years of his shortened life, and he became sober. Unfortunately, grief had taken its toll on his body - he ended up with type two diabetes, and years earlier he had suffered damage to his lungs through a chemical allergy.
I had an interesting relationship with my father - I know I was an extremely difficult teenager, having lost my mother at the age of 12, and then my father's girlfriend after my mother died was murdered by her ex-boyfriend, who then shot himself (and his family found his hitlist and it had my name on it!!!) - anyway suffice it to say, that I loved my Dad, but we never really understood each other, and we each had our own baggage that we never had the time to deal with and come into a common understanding. Sadly he passed away about 4 months after I had my lapbanding done. And so, I couldn't eat much, but I ended up working as a disability support worker, ended up in a perpetuating deep depression and put back on all the weight I had lost since my banding (18 kilos) and drank myself silly with energy drinks, and iced coffees and chocolate.
Then, just a little more than a year ago, I ended up in hospital from a really bad depressive episode, and thought that my life was worth nothing. My stepmother invited me to her home church after I came out of hospital, and the group of people prayed for me, and I was encouraged to listen to the teachings of Joyce Meyer, an evangelist from the US. One of the first podcasts of Joyce's that I downloaded was about how we need to look after our bodies, and that we are under an obligation to look after our health - so that we can do the things that we need to do, and not shorten our lifespan!!!
I started to take serious notes of this, and ended up getting a mental health nurse. I have found that seeing her on a regular basis helped me start taking care of myself physically, and kept me accountable. I started developing a special interest in health.
Here are a few tips I have picked up along the way for eating, and that I have tucked into my food and exercise journal (make sure you discuss any of this with your health care practitioner!):

• keep myself accountable - keep my appointments, and fill out my daily exercise and food journal
• am I really hungry? try drinking some water first and see if that sates my appetite - apparently sometimes we can mistake hunger for thirst. So drink some water and see how you go
• try to exercise for about 30 minutes per day - I have access to an exercise physiologist which I have found excellent, walking is also a good option (*get a health clearance before you exercise from your health care practitioner)
• don't reward yourself with food - find other ways to reward your achievements
• sit down to eat with a knife and fork, and minimise distractions
• eat mindfully and enjoy your food - chew thoroughly and notice the taste and texture of your food, don't just hovel it down
• cook smaller portions to minimise food wastage
• put any leftovers into a microwave reheatable container and into the fridge for a ready made lunch
• use a smaller plate to help with portion control
• take small bites and place your knife and fork down in between each mouthful, don't just auto-load your fork with more food
• don't eat the kid's leftovers from their plate!!! compost if you can, don't add it to your waistline - try to make sure that you don't cook to much so that you minimise wastage. Your wallet and your waistline will thank you
• I don't use food as a bribery for my children, my mother (God bless her) used to reward me with food, and it is extremely difficult to get out of the habit of eating chocolate each time I do something good - that doesn't mean to say that we don't have treats! I just limit them to sensible times and not for things like the kids cleaning their rooms. 
• I like the support of a dietician - before you go and see your dietician though, for your first appointment, try to track your food and drink for about a week beforehand. 
• Pick up some cooking skills & make things that are simple
• for a quick "takeout" idea when you are up against the wall in a food emergency, a quick trip to the supermarket to pick up a hot chicken, some bagged salad and some crusty bread won't go astray (for vegetarians pick suitable alternative to chicken)
• When I do go for a treat, I buy the best quality I can get, and have smaller quantities of it, and enjoy it mindfully
• Above all enjoy your food

Aspergers is a Gift

*I hope to be able to share with you, why it is so important that you don't just chuck it all in, but look for the hidden treasures within yourself, learn to focus on your own gifts and talents, and to get help with the stuff that you need help with, so that your life can be rich, full and abundant*
I have recently been told by my psychologist, that according to the scale that Dr Tony Attwood uses, and talks about in his book, The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome, that I have Aspergers Syndrome. This has been the end result of a very tumultuous, amazing and sometimes frightening, terrifying and funny existence.
*Has your child just been diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers/PDDNOS? You can read my story about my two children here*
Are you feeling guilty about maybe getting some help? Do you think that you have to parent a special needs child by yourself - please read this - please don't think that you have to go it alone. Find some encouragement to take care of yourself.
I have been on a murderer's hit list, lost my mother to cancer when my I was a teenager, loved and lost a father who had at once been an alcoholic, had two miraculous pregnancies which gave me the gift of two very wonderful and precious boys on the Autistic Spectrum, and been in and out of the psychiatric ward. I have also survived a suicide attempt.
In the last 12 months, I have gone from wanting to die and end the pain of my existence, to recognise that I have a purpose to my existence, and that my life should be celebrated and cherished. I hope to be able to bring you all kinds of lessons that I have learned (as always you should seek relevant professional advice before embarking on your decision to try anything I have shared on this blog :-D). Everything from learning how to survive on welfare, dealing with panic attacks, making a difference to the lives of children from low socioeconomic backgrounds and kids with disabilities, coming to understand yourself, cooking tips that I have learned, learning time management skills, becoming environmentally friendly, reducing my intake of meat products and dealing with allergies, dealing with kids who are fussy eaters, the journey of recognising that your child has a disability and how to move on and be able to share with others, the ups and downs of support groups, making the most of your resources, financial management, upgrading and investing in your education, working with others and forming good social skills, working with your health care providers, how to go from total couch potato with chronic disease indicators to somewhat of a way more active person (who now wants to go snowboarding), finding me time as a mother (that is sometimes a tricky one), dealing with finding help in your local area, and great websites that will give you all kinds of resources, oh yes, and handling your friends so that you have genuine caring friends, and recognising when you may be putting yourself into a vulnerable situation (boundaries are good!) and also taking time out for yourself, and looking after your mind, body and spirit. But mainly about loving, and cherishing the best two resources you have - yourself - and God; thanking God for making you the way that you are, and working in all kinds of ways to enjoy your life, and live it to the fullest :-) I will be tripping here every day to share with you all of this and more.
Suffice to say - I love being me - who God made me to be :-)